Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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