I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
