bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
