So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
