i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
