I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
