i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
