you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
