in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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