So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
