remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
