Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
