I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
