My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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