I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
