I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
