You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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