He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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