Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
