you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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