does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
