We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
