You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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