dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
