Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
