dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
