She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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