I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
