i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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