I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
