did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
