i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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