My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
