So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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