he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
As shirtless as possible
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
