just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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