I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
