My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
