how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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