considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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