OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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