the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Randomize
