i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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