he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
