My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
