he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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