Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
