he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
