I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I could fuck to npr.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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