i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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