I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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