I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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